Spoiler alert.
I will be ‘bashing’ men in this reflection. It is unapologetically one-sided. The emoting is my own and not a summary of stuff from the internet (other than a few statistics). If you don’t care for where this is going, please abort now.
As time passes, I am increasingly turned off common distasteful qualities in men. [note: I’m not gay. I am a heterosexual man speaking to my group].
My distaste for distasteful characteristics in ‘man’kind of which, sometimes sadly, I am one, has grown as I age. And continues in recent years as I face my own self in the mirror more honestly.
I say ‘sadly’ because I am not enjoying the burden of my increased awareness of what men have historically, and to this day, done to women.
My own challenges in this area are definitely influenced by at least three significant variables in my life:
1) A Ukrainian heritage of male dominance (other than some balance within the internal workings of the home itself where the wife received some respect);
2) An alcoholic father who, when in the grip of his salve of choice to soothe the pains of life, vented his inner torment through verbal and physical abuse; and
3) My own inadequacies in personality, temperament and openness to new learning until attaining some enlightenment, albeit gradual and grudgingly, in older age.
A quick caveat.
I offer one caveat that will have to do for the rest of this narrative. Yes, there are men who demonstrate the opposite of everything I am complaining about here. My son and son-in-law are two of those men.
However it happens in a man’s life, when the penny does drop to reveal the absolute gift that women are to all Creation, the man is never the same. Even with mistakes and incomplete wisdom, he has a North Star of intense desire and delight to honour and ‘be there’ for the woman in his life.
Okay, that’s my caveat. Now to continue with my indictment of the rest of us.
Since retirement, having more time to focus on things, I find my ‘distaste for distasteful characteristics’ rising to the point where I am compelled to say things even in unexpected places. This happened recently when a lab technician was drawing my blood.
A visit to the blood lab.
Having 10 vials of blood taken at one time (for eye serum) means a longer conversation with the lab technician. Amy talked about her nasty divorce, her custody of 12- and 9-year-old children, and how life looks so much different now in her mid-thirties than in her early twenties.
During our shared moments, I listened to this mature, intelligent woman reflect wistfully on her life. It was a privilege that she felt comfortable enough to go there.
Before I left, I paused to say, “Amy, it doesn’t matter how much you think you contributed to your marital and family breakdown. I want to assure you that he did more. Please do not live with guilt that doesn’t belong to you.” Her look of surprise, then smile, assured me that my words were not out of order.
A few statistics:
– In the U.S.A. (2023), of 8.9 million children in single-parent families, 82% lived with a single mother while 18% lived with a single father
– In Canada (2021), of 1.77 million single-parent families, 77% were led by women and 23% by men
Who made you king?
I left the lab that morning in sadness of spirit. Why are men so stupid? dumb? wilfully ignorant? When my wife and I went for counselling years ago (not because she needed it), the counsellor listened for a while then turned to me and expressed the most profound words: “And who made you king?”
I still recoil with guilt and glee at the piercing truth of that question. The only correct answer is visualized in the above picture. I anointed myself king. All by myself.
Women are so far ahead of men in so many ways. I will contain the present diatribe (a great word) to men in leadership and men getting married in older age.
I should start with men who get married too young, before they know who they are, where they are going, or what it really means “to love, honour and cherish” a woman. But I need to work up to that one since it would be a confessional booth session.
Incompetent men in leadership.
I first heard of Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic at a leadership conference where he pointed out that men make up a majority of leaders but underperform when compared with female leaders. His research showed that organizations too often confuse leadership with destructive personality traits like narcissism as well as overconfidence disguised as competence.
A few statistics:
– 90% of top executive positions worldwide are held by men and up to 70% of CEOs last only 18 months on the job
– 70% of middle management roles are men and 75% of job dissatisfaction by workers is attributed to poor middle managers
Tomas summarizes this sad situation, “When competent women – and men who don’t fit the stereotype – are unfairly overlooked, we all suffer the consequences. The result is a deeply flawed system that rewards arrogance rather than humility, and loudness rather than wisdom.”
He offers a stimulating conclusion: “So, if most leaders are bad, and most leaders are men, would less leaders be bad if more leaders were women.” Ha. Nicely said, Tomas. If interested, see his book (2019), Why Do So Many Incompetent Men Become Leaders? (and how to fix it).
A monologue on older men and (re)marriage.
When older men get married for the first time or remarried, it doesn’t always end well. After the initial narratives of dramatic, almost miraculous, meeting and courtship, often there is a gradual (sometimes abrupt) slide into discomfort, dissatisfaction, and failure. [See Dan’s story in Dying for Love – May 20, 2026]
I am not directing any criticism at the women’s side of this whole matter. My sense is they have a lot more clarity than men do in how to engage with and process these later-life commitments. They appear to know what they want, what they are doing, and what they are getting into. What is it about the men?
For those who look to the Bible, a verse may come to mind. After creating everything else and Adam, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2.18). Is that a testament to a fundamental weakness in men? That we can’t make it on our own? I don’t know. I am less of a theologian these days and more of a self-indulgent philosopher.
I do know some popular sayings that come to mind as I ponder this subject. “There is no fool like an old fool.” Or, “going from the frying pan into the fire” [That one might be a bit sexist]. They “can’t boil water.” They don’t know what a laundry room is for. They’re “so lonely they could die.” (Remember that old Hank Williams song? – oh right, he said “cry” not die – so, in a country song, what’s the difference?).
Is there a stereotype of men who can’t live on their own successfully? Be honest now. You likely have a few examples of your own of men who “jumped too fast,” especially into a second marriage after being widowed.
After all that, do I have any concrete suggestions to make? Not really. I just wanted to throw this around for a while.
Too soon old, too late smart.
Oh, one more thing. I have shared with my wife that she doesn’t have to worry about me getting married if she departs before I do. I am convinced that I would never marry again. It is so much work the first time. Especially when you start as dumb as I did. And my ongoing report card isn’t all that progressive in learning very much very quickly.
I’m still figuring out how to dethrone myself daily. And the crown keeps finding its way back (something like the strap in Growing up is hard to do – part 1).
She* was way ahead of me in the ‘smarts’ needed to make a marriage work well. To start ‘a whole new ballgame’ later in life is too scary. The potential next lady would have little chance to be as smart as she is. And, by picking me, any new lady would be expressing desperation rather than intelligence.
*I am not using my wife’s first name to provide some anonymity. She doesn’t read my stuff and I encourage her not to start.
Right now, I want to get back to my new book, The Joy of Solitude (2025) then look forward to enjoying a trout dinner with my wife. I gotta tell you – I am gradually learning how to put the trout dinner together myself.
Maybe it is true that it’s never too late.
[Next week: How do you shed the crown?]
Breaking News!
I knew I had to run the two ‘King’ items by my wife before publishing them. Given my lack of courage, I did so while I was out of town so I wouldn’t have to face my fears of her initial response in person. Last night she green-lighted them. That is so much kinder than the gaslighting I did on her so many times through the years.
So, that approval has brought these two writings to the front of the list for publication. Next week: How do you shed the crown?