I know, it may be ‘cheesy’ to do a spin on Shakespeare’s ‘to be or not to be.’ But it makes the title more appealing than ‘Language Used at Work, at Home, and Everywhere Else‘ (my original title).
My personal history with ‘swear’ words is pretty conservative. When our son was in his mid to later teens, he and a friend were hitching a ride with me to their summer workplace about 6 hours from our home. This event took place 30 years ago. I would have been in my ultra-conservative mode at that time. Before we made 10 miles from home, I heard the ‘crap’ word so many times that my angst was about to spill over into some version of parental vomit. Those were the days before I knew about the four quadrants of emotional intelligence. So I had little internal awareness to influence my reactions.
I pulled over to the side of the road, turned around to face the two boys, and said, “If I hear the word ‘crap’ one more time during our trip, I will stop right there, let you out, and you can figure out how to get to work.” I confess that my memory is a bit fuzzy on what happened after that. All three of us did arrive to our destination together. So, either they stifled themselves or I gradually moved into a catatonic state of deaf fixation on the highway before me.
Through the ensuing years, I have had a fair bit of ‘shock treatment’ in regards to language. One memorable experience was sitting in an industrial workplace at coffee with a middle aged woman. She (I will call her Marilyn) had chosen a career traditionally dominated by men. Happily showing me pictures of her grandchildren, Marilyn punctuated her narratives with regular use of the F-word. It certainly wasn’t directed at the children, nor at me, but came out pretty much like I would say “Yuk,” “Yeah,” or “Huh.” Just a regular feature of Marilyn’s everyday work vocabulary.
I was pretty much in a state of shock and didn’t have the wherewithal to ask her about it. But I have always wished that I was able to witness Marilyn’s conversations with her children and grandchildren. I have no doubt the F-word stayed at work comfortably stowed away in the locker with her heavy gloves, coveralls and steel-tipped boots. Then, as a natural part of her change of persona before each work shift, Marilyn would reach up (figuratively, of course) to that top shelf, pick up F and a few of his/her friends, and head to the control room. And, before leaving for home, she would tuck them away again in the locker.
You can see why I noticed an advertised webinar recently called Using the F-Word at Work: Understanding Emotional Culture. The webinar starts a half-hour from now. But is the title just a brazen ploy to trap my attention? The description for the session gives no indication of the main F-feature suggested by the title. The presenter is introduced as “a Culture & Leadership Coach who helps leaders and teams illuminate the dark corners and lift up the rugs where emotions have been neglected . . . equipping them with the tools and skills to embrace feelings and understand the profound impact emotions have on their work.” Sounds pretty lofty.
It’s almost time for the session. Will be back soon.
The speaker began with an exercise (via Chat in Zoom). A good pedagogical activity to bring the remote group together. Each of us shared a negative and a positive emotion that we experienced last week at work. Since I don’t go out to work (I am kind of retired), I had to improvise. The exercise generated an extensive list of positive and negative emotions. We then selected one positive that we would like to see more of and one negative that we would like to see less of in our work setting. The presenter’s intention was likely to elicit experiences that stimulate emotive exclamations, some of which might have the letter ‘F’ in them.
Then came a pungent story about rats and cat hair.
I am familiar with the concept of psychological safety. And the anecdote about rats and cat hair was a good illustration. Despite their negative reputation, rats are quite social creatures and love to play. When researchers introduced a few strands of cat hair to their environment, the rats stopped playing and shifted into a cautious and defensive mode of activity. It took a few days before they gradually relaxed and began to play again.
Our speaker linked the analogy to fears and uncertainties (strands of cat hair) that occur in a workplace when a person’s sense of psychological safety is threatened. I have seen this effect in a staff lunch room. Aggressive language (e.g., cutting remarks, swearing) begins to flow against an absent colleague, a supervisor, a boss. Maybe it’s a defence mechanism to assert a form of personal strength and control in the midst of unpleasant circumstances.
I can’t say the session was a disappointment. I didn’t really expect the presenter to use the actual F-word in a virtual session with unknown participants. But I was anticipating some kind of link to the marketing strategy. At one point, she obliquely referred to “F-word” as a potential expression of honest emotional sharing in a context of psychological safety. [Note that she said,”F-word,” not the actual word itself].
Overall, the title was a creative composition to cultivate curiosity (and give me opportunity to be quite alliterative with 4 Cs). And her content regarding psychological safety in the workplace was worth the hour of my time. Although I do have some lingering questions about how ‘F-ing this’ and ‘F-ing that’ at work is connected to everyone feeling better about everything.
I’m almost surprised that my respect for grandmother Marilyn was not affected negatively by her workplace vocabulary. She was staking her claim in a tough work setting. I was confident that she had another vocabulary for use with her grandchildren.
My problem, however, is with people who do not have the ability, the awareness, the sensitivity – I don’t know what to call it – to actively and intentionally decide when it is appropriate ‘to swear or not to swear.’ Why does someone in the midst of a mixed crowd (as in a shopping mall, a grocery store, a restaurant) speak like they are at their industrial workplace? Is it just unthinking carelessness? Is it a form of personal empowerment?
I don’t know. But the easiest way to find out is to gently call them on it. If you are there with a child, a grandchild, or even by yourself, kindly ask if they mind changing their language. If they realize their language is not suitable in that context, an apology or some positive recognition will likely occur. If they look at you (or respond) like you are the problem, you are now in the presence of someone who has not thought about when ‘to swear or not to swear.’
ADDENDUM
Since writing this piece, two additional points have come to mind.
First, I probably have to broaden my own concept of what is swearing. Definitions assumed today are certainly different than a generation ago. I was gently mocked for my disposition on ‘crap’ 30 years ago. Yet in recent years, I have found some enjoyment in adding ‘damn it,’ ‘don’t give a damn,’ ‘what the hell’ to my vocabulary. Sometimes it has shock value in dialogue with my conservative colleagues and, I suspect, even my family. But one line I never cross. If I may use an old-fashioned phrase, I will never ‘use the Lord’s name in vain.’ If I was ever compelled to make a choice, I would certainly choose the F-word before I insulted the God I recognize as existing and the Christ I follow as a desired way of faith-life.
Second, I recognize the powerful influence that entertainment media has made on what is considered ‘normal’ in social language and behaviour. My most recent encounter with this reality was last evening with The Pitt, a television medical drama that has won multiple awards including Outstanding Drama Series at the 2025 Primetime Emmy Awards. The show has seen massive growth in viewers as it enters just its second season. I watched the first few minutes of last evening’s episode. Amidst the bedlam of Emergency Room activity, a man comes in with a cut on his head and demands some attention. Within his first few sentences, the F-word is delivered and then often repeated. And it is all made to look like more or less normal human activity.
Now, at this season of life, I am working to root out judgmental pronouncements from the perceptions and affirmations I make of what goes on around me. So please receive my narrative in this piece as observational and not critical assessment (although some critique has undoubtedly slipped in). In earlier years, I had more answers than questions. I was quite willing to give answers even before questions were asked. My life now is defined more as having a core of fundamental internal assumptions and, beyond that, more curiosity than complacency.
So I really don’t know what to view as ‘normal’ language use today. Does social change drive entertainment media’s use of language? Or is it the other way around? Whatever the case, I believe there is still a need for personal reflection on how you and I want to present ourselves to other people in different contexts. Because, ultimately, Shakespeare’s ‘to be or not to be‘ really does make it clear. Who (I guess I should say ‘whom’) do you and I want to be? Or want not to be?
That is the question. I’lll keep working to figure out the answer for me. Hope you will do the same for you.