Themes of love and death are pervasive in the arts throughout history. Poets, philosophers, novelists have wrestled with the human disposition towards ‘dying for love,’ ‘dying to self for love,’ ‘dying to love.’ These nuances reveal the complexities of human relationships.
Dying for love. Does this mean dying figuratively because of having love? Or because of losing it? Or because of wanting it? Does it infer a yearning or pining heart? Or actual physical dying? Artists have engaged multiple possibilities to provide a portrait, a landscape, a moment in time, of the human condition.
Dying to self. Forsaking personal goals or ambitions. Committing time and resources to meet the needs of other(s) rather than self. This powerful unction is evident not only in literature but also in religious convictions.
Dying to self, for love. A new variable in the mix. Not just dying for love. Not just dying to self. But dying to self for the sake of love. This is my target for today.
I am ‘dying’ to release my burden of conflicting thoughts on how to relate dying to self and dying for love. It may not be very romantic. In fact, you might think I am somewhat insensitive or simplistic. Let’s see how it goes.
Dan’s Story
“Friday evening. Time to go to group session. Wish I felt better. Such a nagging ache in my gut. A sense of lostness. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.”
Gerald asked everyone to get their coffee and take a seat so the meeting could begin. He looked around the circle and settled his eyes on Dan. Something about Dan’s posture and the sadness in his eyes brought a stab of pain to Gerald’s spirit. Dan had been coming to group for several meetings now.
It was hard to see someone looking and feeling so lost. Gerald asked Dan if he was ready to share anything with the group. Dan looked up from studying the top of his coffee cup and, with some hesitation, said, “Yes, I think it is time to let it out.”
“It’s been 10 years since the wedding. Sarah and I met at a church singles gathering. She was getting over a nasty divorce. I was a committed bachelor who, at 60, realized I didn’t want to go through life alone. We hit it off right away. What an exciting change in my life.
“I looked forward to every new day. The challenges at my business seemed much easier. My employees even asked what was going on in my life. I wasn’t as cranky. I was even saying “Good job!” with a smile as I walked by them in the plant.
“Sarah grew up in what we’d call a poor family and married a man who promised much but delivered only an abusive life and three children. She never had the chance to take any professional training. So she worked at cashier jobs after the divorce and did her best to provide a home for the three kids. It felt good to know that my financial wellbeing could change all that.
“Building my business consumed my life. I always said I would travel when retired. During our whirlwind courtship, Sarah and I talked a lot about all the places we would see together. I couldn’t believe this was possible. After so many years alone, I would have someone to share life and love with.
“Love. I really didn’t know what love is. I had never been ‘in love’ before. All I knew was how to work and make money. But Sarah drew something new out of me that I had never felt before.
“Our first years were great. I sold my business when I turned 65 and was ready to hit the road and see the world with Sarah. But that never happened. Just as I was shifting gears towards retirement, Sarah’s children were having their own children.
“And, before I knew it, we were running a child care centre in our home. Almost full-time for preschoolers plus before and after school for older ones. And I was on the road daily to keep everything going. All of them are in school now but we’re still needed several times every week and whenever kids have days off school. So we really can’t go anywhere.
“I am struggling. A neighbour in our condo complex told me they just returned from three winter months in Florida. They go to a lake cabin for several months in summer. When he asked me where we have been, all I could say is we took a drive to the Cypress Hills.
“That’s when it really hit me. What my life has become. I could go to Florida. I could buy a cottage on a beautiful lake. But I can’t. I thought it was going to be different. What do I do?”
Dan was now leaning forward in his chair with arms pressed on his legs and head hanging to the floor. It was silent in the room. Everyone could hear Dan choking back the tears. Gerald got up and walked over to Dan. Sitting down beside him, Gerald stretched his arm around Dan’s shoulders.
Gerald looked around the room and, with soft voice, said, “Men, now we talk about what it means to die to self, for love.”
Two different endings to Dan’s story.
Ending one – Dying to self, for love.
Heading home after the group discussion, Dan realized again how devoted he was to Sarah and how much fulness she brought to his life. Yes, he could support what she needed to do for her children. Sarah was also dying to self for the sake of love for her kids and grandkids. She had set aside her own romantic ideas for travel with Dan.
Dan had a renewed desire to press on. These busy years with the grandchildren were almost over. They could discuss other options for child care and help to finance extra costs. It would all work out.
Ending two – Dying to love.
Dan went home that evening with a heavy heart. After Gerald’s talk about what it means to ‘die to self, for love,’ Dan realized that something else had died inside him. The past few years of living a life he did not choose had taken a toll on him. The flame of love and connection he had for Sarah in the first years was gradually smothered by the harsh realities he faced.
He felt a growing resentment and anger for what had happened. He no longer looked forward to each new day. And, by the end of the meeting tonight, Dan realized he was ‘dying to love.’
Not dying to get or to find love as before he met Sarah. But dying inside to the ability to allow himself to love. The joy of finding a loving relationship with Sarah had been so real. But now it was a dying ember accompanied by a desire for release and freedom.
“I thought it was going to be different. What do I do?” This time the question was directed at himself. It would take time. He had to start by being honest with Sarah. But he knew one thing. He would guard his heart from ever letting it out again. To protect himself, he had to die to all desire to love.
——
Alfred, Lord Tennyson said, ”Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Is it?